Clarkson Reviews the Mercedes CL600

[TheIntrepid]

The Mercedes-Benz CL600
-Jeremy Clarkson

When you go to buy a new car, you will be greeted by a salesman who has a ghastly suit and an unusual haircut. He will begin by indulging in a spot of reflexive-pronoun abuse and then he will offer yourself a list of juicy options that will enhance your motoring pleasure.

It?s delicious agony, running down the possibilities, wondering what sort of satellite navigation you will need, whether the extra expense of 20in wheels is worth it, and exactly what sort of cow you?d like to have killed to make the seats.

Eventually you will have balanced your natural instinct to splash out with the needs of your family to eat, and you?ll present the salesman with the completed form. But frankly, you may as well give him a box of frogs for all the good it does.

?Yes,? he?ll say, ?it is possible to make the car you want, in the colour you?ve chosen, with seats covered in the skin of a cow called Brian. But not this year. Or next.

?However, if your good self can?t wait that long, myself happens to have a car in stock, which is similar to the one you?ve ordered . . . except for the size of the engine, the sort of fuel it runs on, the fact that it has no sat nav, has an automatic gearbox and it?s pink.?

Naturally, you will leap at the chance because you are all excited, which means you will spend the next three years driving round in something close to what you wanted. Which is another way of saying ?something you didn?t want at all?.

No, really. Buying a blue diesel estate when you wanted a grey petrol saloon is the same as booking a holiday in the Dominican Republic. And then going to Haiti because the flight leaves 10 minutes earlier. It?s like falling in love with a house and then buying the one next door.

I?d love, at this point, to lay into car makers, telling them to buck up their ideas, but sadly there?s no point. Let?s take Mercedes as an example. Currently they can offer you a massive range of cars, each of which is available with a choice of trim levels and engine sizes. I?ve done a quick head count and, amazingly, your local Mercedes dealer is able to offer around 300 different models.

And now it gets tricky because, on average, each of those models is available in a choice of 10 colours. So now it?s 3,000 models, and that?s before you get to the colour of the interior trim.

Mercedes is famously mean-spirited in this respect, and once you?ve chosen a colour for the body you only get about five choices for the colour of the seats and carpets. Even so, that means we?re now up to 15,000 different models, each of which is available as a manual or an automatic. So that?s 30,000 then, and each of those is available with probably 50 different options. The result is that Mercedes-Benz is able to offer you 1.5 million different permutations of one car.

Not that long ago Mercedes announced they were going to extend their range of saloons and estates to ?make something for everyone?. I didn?t realise at the time that they were being Germanically literal. They could make 1.5m cars and no two would be the same. Which is why, I?m afraid, it takes an age for you to choose the right model. And even longer to get it trimmed, painted and specced to your precise requirements.

I can?t speed up the Stuttgart production lines, but happily I can at least steer you through the maze that is the brochure. So here goes. What you do is buy a gunmetal-grey Mercedes-Benz CL with a black interior.

The CL is a coup? version of the S-class and must not be confused with the CLK, which is a two-door version of the old C-class, or the CLS, which is a cut-down amalgamation of the E-class and the S-class.

Because it is a two-door coup? version of the S-class, the CL is meant to be quiet and comfortable. It is also fitted with a Rolls-Royce-style column-operated gearshifter, which gives you the relaxing options of backwards, forwards or parked. And because of all this pillowy smoothness and mattress simplicity, it wouldn?t really suit Merc?s magnificent but shouty 6.2 litre V8 engine.

And nor should you go for the entry-level V8, because nothing says a man has failed in life quite so well as a 500 badge on the back of his Mercedes. Apart, perhaps, from a Porsche Boxster. This is Premium Economy spec; it signifies you are clinging to respectability at the golf club by a mere thread.

So, you cannot have a V8, which means it must be a V12. It?d be tempting, I?m sure, to go for the 65, the most powerful engine in the world until Bugatti came along with the Veyron. It has so many torques you can light up the rear tyres so violently, they will actually dig holes in the road. I know this because I?ve done it. The power is stratospheric, atomic, and if I?m honest a bit idiotic.

That leaves you with the normal 600, a 5.5 litre, twin-turbo 12-pot that makes exactly the same amount of noise as the crowd at a five-day cricket match ? ie, none at all. Well, actually, not none exactly. If you listen very, very hard you can sometimes hear it snoring. And that means it?s ideally suited to the smooth suspension and the waftmatic gearshifter. Driving it is like lying in a vat of baby oil, dreaming that you can fly.

Until you put your foot down. There?s still no noise, and that?s spooky because suddenly the view out of the window has gone all bonkers and you are overtaking light aircraft. It is properly fast, the CL 600. Even though it weighs 2.1 tons it will get you from 0 to 60mph, silently, in just 4.5sec.

Being overtaken in this is like being overtaken by a ghost. You sense a blur and you feel the air move. But that?s it.

I absolutely adored driving this car. It was a new experience ? power without sound ? but the thing I loved most of all was the way it looked.

They?ve tried to ape the shape of the old model?s sublime rear window ? and failed badly ? but the rest . . . oh my God, it?s gorgeous. The balance, the flared wheelarches and the nose. Holy cow. This has the best nose on any car ever made.

It does not, however, have the best ride. Naturally, it has air suspension, not because air suspension works better than coils and springs and dampers but because it allows the computer geeks in Merc?s underground design bunkers to fiddle about with their laptops, making it move the car about as the speed and driving style change.

In theory it?s brilliant. In practice, it doesn?t work. And it really didn?t work in the CL I drove. It felt, sometimes, like I was on a water bed and I simply don?t believe it?s supposed to be that way. I honestly think there was a small fault in the system. And that?s good, because it means I can ring Mercedes-Benz with a perfect excuse to borrow another 600 CL for a week. Or two, just to be sure.

Price? Well, the 600 CL costs ?107,097, which is known in banking circles as a very great deal of money. It puts the CL in the same 2+2 marketplace as the Bentley Continental, as well as offerings from Porsche, Aston Martin and Maserati.

As a badge, the three-pointed star sits among this lot like a branch of Marks & Spencer on Bond Street. But the simple fact of the matter is this. As a car, it beats all of them. By a country mile.

Vital statistics

Model Mercedes-Benz CL 600

Engine 5513cc, 12 cylinders

Power 517bhp @ 5000rpm

Torque 612 lb ft @ 3500rpm

Transmission Five-speed automatic

Fuel 19.8mpg

Acceleration 0-62mph: 4.6sec

CO2 340g/km

Top speed 155mph

Price ?107,097

Rating 1871mm

Verdict A silver ghost in Merc clothing

[Tave]

Thanks for going through the effort of posting that Trep, but I think it might be the shittiest written review I've read all summer.


Poor effort, Clarkson. Poor. Effort.


Is it just me or does Mercedes not offer a manual in many of their models?


His little schpiel about ordering a custom car has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the review. All he did with it is waste half the page-space and a good amount of my time. I've never seen someone say so little with so many words: basically, the power is good and the suspension isn't.


People actually pay this guy to come up with this crap?


A shame too - this and the E55 are two of my favorite Mercedes.

[Raza]

Thanks for going through the effort of posting that Trep, but I think it might be the shittiest written review I've read all summer.


Poor effort, Clarkson. Poor. Effort.


Is it just me or does Mercedes not offer a manual in many of their models?


His little schpiel about ordering a custom car has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the review. All he did with it is waste half the page-space and a good amount of my time. I've never seen someone say so little with so many words: basically, the power is good and the suspension isn't.


People actually pay this guy to come up with this crap?


A shame too - this and the E55 are two of my favorite Mercedes.

A class, B class, C class, SLK, and they used to in the ML (not here though). 

[Raza]

"And nor should you go for the entry-level V8, because nothing says a man has failed in life quite so well as a 500 badge on the back of his Mercedes. Apart, perhaps, from a Porsche Boxster."

Pure drivel. 

[ro51092]

"And nor should you go for the entry-level V8, because nothing says a man has failed in life quite so well as a 500 badge on the back of his Mercedes. Apart, perhaps, from a Porsche Boxster."

Pure drivel. 

So your dad has failed in life?

[Raza]

So your dad has failed in life?

We've got a 500 and a Boxster!  Can you imagine?  By Clarkson's definition, the only way to succeed is to buy a Veyron!

[Tave]

A class, B class, C class, SLK, and they used to in the ML (not here though).?

So none in the S class, CLK, CLS, E class, GL, G class, R class, SL, SLR, or, and most importantly, considering the car in question, the CL.


What a weirdo. They offer a stick in less than half the line-up. Obviously he knows this. I say we go to a Mercedes dealer, try to order a CL with a stick, make an ass of ourselves, then sue him for fraud and emotional damages. We'll be seeking every car in his garage, as well as the next 15 years worth of his paychecks.

[giant_mtb]

Half the article wasn't even about the subject vehicle.  BOOOOORING.  Even after that, when he actually started talking about the car, it was BOOOORING. 

[TheIntrepid]

So your dad has failed in life?

That's exactly what I thought.

[Raghavan]

Get to the point faster, plz.

[JYODER240]

I think you could pull about 3 useful sentences out of that entire review.

[sportyaccordy]

I found it quite entertaining. I don't really care for the car, and there was some berating of some car owners, so it worked for me.

[the Teuton]

We've got a 500 and a Boxster!  Can you imagine?  By Clarkson's definition, the only way to succeed is to buy a Veyron!

No, Raza, you're a failure at life.  Go cry in your amazing little sports car that I'd love to have but isn't a 911.

[Tave]

If a Bosxter owner is a failure, what does that make an Aveo owner? DNQ?

[280Z Turbo]

"And nor should you go for the entry-level V8, because nothing says a man has failed in life quite so well as a 500 badge on the back of his Mercedes. Apart, perhaps, from a Porsche Boxster."

Pure drivel.

I just laughed so hard that everyone in my house could probably hear it.

[SVT_Power]

If a Bosxter owner is a failure, what does that make an Aveo owner? DNQ?

[Autobahn]

So none in the S class, CLK, CLS, E class, GL, G class, R class, SL, SLR, or, and most importantly, considering the car in question, the CL.


What a weirdo. They offer a stick in less than half the line-up. Obviously he knows this. I say we go to a Mercedes dealer, try to order a CL with a stick, make an ass of ourselves, then sue him for fraud and emotional damages. We'll be seeking every car in his garage, as well as the next 15 years worth of his paychecks.

He's European, we have manuals in the CLK and E Class, there used to be a manumatic in the SL , CLS, GL, G, R and SLR are just the niche cars, the most sold cars in MBs lineup the A,B,C,CLK and E-Class are all available with a stick.

[nickdrinkwater]

"And nor should you go for the entry-level V8, because nothing says a man has failed in life quite so well as a 500 badge on the back of his Mercedes. Apart, perhaps, from a Porsche Boxster."

Pure drivel. 

In the UK alot of people see the Boxster as the Porsche for people who can't really afford a proper Porsche 

[the Teuton]

In the UK alot of people see the Boxster as the Porsche for people who can't really afford a proper Porsche 

Porsche has had lesser model cars for a long time:  912, 914, 924, 944, 968, and Boxster.  Sure, they're budget Porsches, but that's like saying the Mercedes C Class isn't a real Benz because it was introduced as a volume car to push sales up and compete with the BMW 3 Series.  Notice the Wimmers don't have an A or C Class, though.  Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

[850CSi]

If all goes as planned, I will graduate law school in 6 years and promptly buy a 2006 S65 AMG along with an E30 M3 (but that is a story for another thread).

Quiet, horrendously powerful, supercharged Mercedes V12s are what dreams are made of.

[850CSi]

Is it just me or does Mercedes not offer a manual in many of their models?

I have yet to understand why anyone would want a manual in any Mercedes other than perhaps the SLK and C-Class.

[Submariner]

If all goes as planned, I will graduate law school in 6 years and promptly buy a 2006 S65 AMG along with an E30 M3 (but that is a story for another thread).

Quiet, horrendously powerful, supercharged Mercedes V12s are what dreams are made of.

Get a 55. 

[850CSi]

Get a 55.?

Well, that is the more likely outcome considering the rarity of 65s. But I would prefer a 600 to a 55.

[ro51092]

Quiet, horrendously powerful, supercharged Mercedes V12s are what dreams are made of.

Rear mounted, air-cooled flat-6's are what dreams are made out of.

[850CSi]

Rear mounted, air-cooled flat-6's are what dreams are made out of.

... Until a clean black S600 with tinted windows and 19" AMG wheels shows the said automobile with a rear-mounted air-cooled flat-6 its taillights over and over and over again. 

[TheIntrepid]

Notice the Wimmers don't have an A or C Class, though.  Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

They have a 1-series.

[ro51092]

... Until a clean black S600 with tinted windows and 19" AMG wheels shows the said automobile with a rear-mounted air-cooled flat-6 its taillights over and over and over again. 

Because the 911 owner had to take a bathroom break. 10 minutes later, a beautiful German car, known to many as a Porsche blasts past the rich snob in the S600, and both head toward a curvy backroad, where the Mercedes is left behind by the Porsche. The Mercedes has never seen that Porsche since.

[Raghavan]

... Until a clean black S600 with tinted windows and 19" AMG wheels shows the said automobile with a rear-mounted air-cooled flat-6 its taillights over and over and over again. 

Unless said automobile with a rear-mounted air-cooled flat-6 is a 997 GT2.

[Michael Estorol]

Unless said automobile with a rear-mounted air-cooled flat-6 is a 997 GT2.

so what happened to the water?  blown head gasket?
:P

[Tave]

If all goes as planned, I will graduate law school in 6 years and promptly buy a 2006 S65 AMG along with an E30 M3 (but that is a story for another thread).

Quiet, horrendously powerful, supercharged Mercedes V12s are what dreams are made of.

Lawyers make good money, but they don't make good enough money directly out of law school to plunk down 100k+ on a car.