Mayochup... or Ketchupnaise

[redbloodedamerican]

Any way you can share their reactions without sharing the story?

Of course!!

Subject: I come back to my community to find THIS?
After a long absence from the net, I come to find THIS transparently trolling drivel. I see what you're trying to pull, and it's just outright pathetic. It's offensive to all people everywhere, especially gay people, which you clearly are not unless you're a self-loathing one. Now, I may have a twisted sense of humour, often made of use rather liberally in my slashfics, especially when they involve someone like Phil Collins, but this is just beyond bad taste and not in the least bit funny. It reeks of being written by a 12 year old who goes around throwing dogshit at people's houses at night for entertainment, and writing intentionally oh-so-"shocking" badfic as a means of getting fame on teh intarwebz since they know they'll die a meaningless, insignificant speck of fecal matter on the ass of God that they are. Maybe I'll get through to you if I use scatalogical references for my insults, since to people like you that's the pinnacle of wit and edgyness. You are *SO* banned./

[redbloodedamerican]

Here's a clean section of the first chapter, before anything gets brutal/dirty:

The mark's name was Damien, a dangerous counterfeiter and parasite on the hardworking citizens of the UK who had assumed an alternate identity working a sandwich shop along a stretch of deserted highway. Phil's motorcycle puttered through the darkness, towards a fate no less unknown and dangerous than the crimson gates of hell. The gates appeared over the horizon: not crimson, but verdant: the green glow of a Subway sign beckoned to Phil, and his heart now pounded faster than the pulsating steed he was riding on.

Inside Subway, the dangerous counterfeiter Damien was closing shop promptly at 10:55 pm. Before stowing away all of the foodstuffs, he prepared himself his signature sub, speaking aloud as he was wont to do when alone.

"Lettuce, lettuce and mayo-naise! Can't get enough of the lettuce and mayonnaise sub on plain Italian bread, untoasted. No fancy trimmings for Damien, just the bare necessities of a lite and conscientious lifestyle! Gotta stay a healthy 105 if I wanna attract the ladies, and nothing keeps the fat off and the protein in like a heaping helping of mayo-naise."

He broke into a jingle:

"May-o-naise
gets Damien paid
Ice-berg lettuce
keeps him healthy and thin
Untoasted bun
is so much fun
Maybe someday
this may-o-naise
Just might help
Get Damien laid!

Damien erupted into cackles at this last line, squeezing mayonnaise on his lettuce  until the squeeze tube made slurpy farting noises. He relished this time alone where he could express himself away from the scrutiny of others. His private moment of self indulgence fulfilled, he straightened up, finished the sandwich and dutifully put 4 dollars into the cash register.

Once the open sign was dimmed, Damien slunk around back to eat his sandwich. For some reason, he felt like an intruder whenever he was outside of his workplace or efficiency apartment, and didn't want to be seen eating. Perhaps his boss would make some false accusation of littering or stealing if the security camera caught Damien eating in the parking lot. For this reason, and perhaps others, Damien chose to consume his lettuce and mayonnaise sub alone by the dumpster.

The tension built inside of him as he carnivorously tore the wrapper off the sub and opened his mouth wide to take the first bite of his hard earned reward. Damien, this creature of prey in a vicious and unforgiving world, could finally put aside his perpetual victimhood and indulge in his subjugation of something lower on the food chain. He heard himself panting hard as he stared at the sub, but could his tiny lungs really breath that heavily? He saw a fog of breath wafting through the air that wasn't his, and felt a firm hand touch his shoulder...

Damien looked over his right shoulder, and saw the iron gaze of Phil Collins staring back at him from inside the dumpster. With one swift motion, Phil Collins picked Damien up with one hand and slammed him into the dumpster, making a thud against decomposing Subway refuse.

For a moment, Damien saw stars, but those stars condensed into Phil's door knocker nipple rings peering out through his vest, gleaming in the moonlight.Phil towered above Damien with his arms crossed. 

"Uh, uh, what do you want mister. I don't have money, and there's no more than $20 in the cash register after 11:00 if that's what you're after."

"Clever" Phil thought to himself. "He's acting like he's concerned about the money. But this dangerous counterfeiter is nothing more than a fox guarding the henhouse."

"You, Damien, have wronged Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth and the United Kingdom through the scoundrel act of counterfeiting our precious currency."
"Mister, I think you've got the wrong guy!"

"The wrong guy? This is the only Subway on this entire road, twerp."
"No, no it's not."
"Liar!"

Phil took off some of the various leather straps that adorned his clothing and started binding Damien. As he did, he told the perp what he needed to hear.

"The foundation of a firm nation state is the rule of law. For the rule of law to remain effective, the iron FIST of the nation state and the nation state's willingness to use that FIST must be made known to the governed populace. The opinions of social contract philosophers converged on the necessity of the people to SUBMIT to a MASTER. This MASTER could be a Leviathan composed of the collective will of the people, or the FIST of the governing arm of the nation state acting in vengeance upon the wrongdoers who threatened the existence of the state."

"But, but, where do I fit in to all of this?"

"You, Damien, are a dangerous counterfeiter, and your actions have contributed to the financial instability of the state. As an independent agent of the FIST of the law, I am here to eradicate your threat!"
/

[Rupert]

Fanfiction is a story that uses characters from a popular TV show, written by fans of that show. It's a way for lonely females to release their sexual tension. Nearly every plot devolves into romantic lovemaking. Supermarket porn, in other words, the darker side of which is "slash": homoerotic fanfiction.

I've heard of fanfic from everything. Movies, books, video games, TV shows, probably internet personalities... They all do everything, too, from what RBA seems to like to write, to simple extensions on plots already put forth in whatever media it originally was.. Dudes do it too. Lonely dudes.

I had some lonely geek friends for a time in college.

[NomisR]

Chick-fil-a sauce > Fry Sauce

[omicron]

The most underwhelming sauce I've come across is Nando's Peri-Peri concoction. Far too limp and distasteful for my liking.

[Lebowski]

Any body ever try this?  I hope it's good I just ordered 3 jars on amazon.

[Cookie Monster]

Any body ever try this?  I hope it's good I just ordered 3 jars on amazon.

Looks pretty disgusting.

Then again I don't eat bacon.

[Eye of the Tiger]

I like the sauce on the Angry Whopper at Burger K1ng. It's too bad that they seem to use a very mild form of jalapeno. Not spicy at all.

[NomisR]

Any body ever try this?  I hope it's good I just ordered 3 jars on amazon.

Was the baconnaise any good?

[Lebowski]

Was the baconnaise any good?

No, it was a big disappointment.  I'll give it one more try before I toss it.

[NomisR]

No, it was a big disappointment.  I'll give it one more try before I toss it.

Damn, I was hoping it may be good..

[Raza]

Damn, I was hoping it may be good..

Was good ever on the table?  At best, you could have hoped for "doesn't taste like vomit".

[mzziaz]

Kalles Kaviar. Awesome on toast with hard boiled eggs!

Wat?

Is that stuff even available in stateside? I just had that stuff for breakfast 

[Eye of the Tiger]

Wat?

Is that stuff even available in stateside? I just had that stuff for breakfast 

I had to order it from an importer!

[280Z Turbo]

I had to order it from an importer!

The joke's on you.

That's actually just Bengay.

[mzziaz]

I had to order it from an importer!

Do you, uhm, have any ties to Scandinavia?

[Lebowski]

Was good ever on the table?  At best, you could have hoped for "doesn't taste like vomit".

Mayo + bacon has far more potential than that. 

It's the artificialness of it that makes it nasty.

[Tave]

Good thing you ordered 3 jars.

[Lebowski]

Good thing you ordered 3 jars.

It only came in 3 packs on Amazon.  Want one?

[NomisR]

Wat?

Is that stuff even available in stateside? I just had that stuff for breakfast  

Yeah, I've gotten the stuff from Ikea before.  

[NomisR]

Mayo + bacon has far more potential than that. 

It's the artificialness of it that makes it nasty.

Have you tried Baconsalt?

[Eye of the Tiger]

Do you, uhm, have any ties to Scandinavia?

Uhm, no, I just like the food.

[MrH]

There's one thing I agree with Teuts on.  Mayo is disgusting.  It's just like lard paste.

[CALL_911]

There's one thing I agree with Teuts on.  Mayo is disgusting.  It's just like lard paste.

+999999

[Laconian]

There's one thing I agree with Teuts on.  Mayo is disgusting.  It's just like lard paste.

Sandwiches are unbearably dry without it. Mustard is a reasonable substitute, but for some sandwiches the flavor is just too overpowering.

[Lebowski]

There's one thing I agree with Teuts on.  Mayo is disgusting.  It's just like lard paste.

+999999

You idiots wouldn't know a good sammich if it hit you in the face.

[Eye of the Tiger]

You idiots wouldn't know a good sammich if it hit you in the face.

That would be easy. They'd just be complaining about the lard paste all over their faces.

[NomisR]

FTW!  It's not as sour as standard mayo you find at the markets. 

[Cookie Monster]

Sandwiches are unbearably dry without it. Mustard is a reasonable substitute, but for some sandwiches the flavor is just too overpowering.

I prefer using a mixture of ketchup and mustard over mayonnaise.

[NomisR]

I prefer using a mixture of ketchup and mustard over mayonnaise.

Thousand Island!