Help Teuton sell the Impreza

[the Teuton]

Here's the plan:

I am selling the Impreza, and I am going to make an ad for it on CL tonight. But I want to see if I can do this "American Idol"-style.

This has to be a serious ad, so outright calling it a piece of shit isn't going to make it into my ad. The car has 175k miles on it, a bad front right wheel bearing, a completely non-functional passenger side door, and a leaky valve cover gasket. But it runs well, and everything power in the car works great, sans the dashboard lights, the passenger side window, and the air conditioning. It has lived in a college area for more than a year in a big city, and it was daily driven (250 miles/week) up until 2 weeks ago.

I want to see if any of you can come up with a clever ad that would help sell this car that doesn't suck ass or use profanity. Please make it a serious, if not humorous ad.

Here's a picture I will be using with the Craigslist ad.



Yes, it comes with the trim pieces, tons of documentation, it's a 3-owner car originally from New Hampshire and New Jersey, and it has power mirrors and doorlocks. No, it will not be coming with the remote starter.

Ready, go!

[the Teuton]

Oh yeah, and the AWD still works like a charm.

[S204STi]

What year, transmission, engine size?  What condition are the tires, brakes, suspension in (other than the wheel bearing)? Any major accidents that it's been in?  Any body damage still existing?  Predominant type of driving (city/highway)?  MPG?

[Eye of the Tiger]

FS: POS, ANY OFFER ACCEPTED

[the Teuton]

What year, transmission, engine size?  What condition are the tires, brakes, suspension in (other than the wheel bearing)? Any major accidents that it's been in?  Any body damage still existing?  Predominant type of driving (city/highway)?  MPG?

1993, auto, 1.8 liter.

Tires are decent, but could afford to be replaced, needs rear brakes, struts could afford to be replaced. One accident, but minor in 2004. I've owned it since 2005, no existing body damage from that incident, but it has crappy paint and dents on almost every panel with a little rust here and there. Usually 20-22 in town and 28 on the highway at 75 mph.

Geeze, you ask a lot for what's supposed to be the idea for a humorous ad.  Think WWJCD -- what would Jeremy Clarkson do?

[the Teuton]

New front pads.

[Eye of the Tiger]

New front pads.

Oh sorry

FS: POS, NEW FRONT PADS, ANY OFFER ACCEPTED

[S204STi]

1993, auto, 1.8 liter.

Tires are decent, but could afford to be replaced, needs rear brakes, struts could afford to be replaced. One accident, but minor in 2004. I've owned it since 2005, no existing body damage from that incident, but it has crappy paint and dents on almost every panel with a little rust here and there. Usually 20-22 in town and 28 on the highway at 75 mph.

Geeze, you ask a lot for what's supposed to be the idea for a humorous ad.  Think WWJCD -- what would Jeremy Clarkson do?

Sorry, I'm not that creative... but knowing some things about the car would help.

[mzziaz]

That car looks, and sounds, like a giant heap of shit. How much are you aiming for?

[r0tor]

"cash 4 my clunker"

[Laconian]

I'm sgt Mark J Loranty. The     1993 Subaru Impreza 4 CYL Automatic is in perfect working condition.
This detailed vehicle makes the exterior look like it just came off the assembly line.
The car has 175000 miles. VIN Number: 3VWSF71K76M778184 ,Automatic Transmision.
It was never involved in any accident, not even minor ones.
The body and paint are great. The interior is super clean, mechanically, it runs like a cat on carpet.   

[mzziaz]

runs like a cat on carpet.   

That line makes it irresistible. 

[the Teuton]

"cash 4 my clunker"

Winrar so far.

[ifcar]

Keep it straightforward and you're less likely to scare a potential buyer off. I'd just stick to the Subaru stereotype (pre-lesbian): this car isn't pretty but it will run forever and through anything.

[the Teuton]

Keep it straightforward and you're less likely to scare a potential buyer off. I'd just stick to the Subaru stereotype (pre-lesbian): this car isn't pretty but it will run forever and through anything.

I think you're right: humor, while fun, isn't going to sell my car for top dollar.

[Eye of the Tiger]

I think you're right: humor, while fun, isn't going to sell my car for top dollar.

Humor helped me sell the Volvo.

[The Pirate]

I'll give you $300 for it.  Non sequential 20s and all that, if need be.

[Eye of the Tiger]

I'll give you $300 for it.  Non sequential 20s and all that, if need be.

I'd take that offer if I were you, Teut.

[the Teuton]

Humor helped me sell the Volvo.

How?

I'll give you $300 for it.  Non sequential 20s and all that, if need be.

I'd take that offer if I were you, Teut.

It's really not a bad deal, but Ohio's lack of inspection leads me to believe I can get more for it.

[Eye of the Tiger]

How?

It's really not a bad deal, but Ohio's lack of inspection leads me to believe I can get more for it.

This is the way I see it: if the buyer doesn't have a sense of humor, I don't want their money.

Do whatever you want. Pull a Chimp and take their money under the assumption that the vehicle is in perfect showroom condition.

[Payman]

"OK, let me start off by saying this Impreza is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Subie would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a
favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This 1.8 liter beast was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a boxer (like Porsche!!!!) engine to outrun the cops. It's saved my bacon more than once. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $700 but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $200 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 175,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then call me (***) ***-****. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my lady, but leave a message and I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on. "

[Payman]

I can't take credit for that one... but I did edit it to suit. 

[the Teuton]

Okay, so the ad is pretty straight forward.

http://akroncanton.craigslist.org/cto/1378220441.html

[MX793]

I think you're right: humor, while fun, isn't going to sell my car for top dollar.

You don't sell the steak, my friend, you sell the sizzle.

[Eye of the Tiger]

Okay, so the ad is pretty straight forward.

http://akroncanton.craigslist.org/cto/1378220441.html

flagged

[the Teuton]

You don't sell the steak, my friend, you sell the sizzle.

flagged

Asshole.

[Eye of the Tiger]

Asshole.

reported

[ifcar]

Okay, so the ad is pretty straight forward.

http://akroncanton.craigslist.org/cto/1378220441.html

You need better pictures.

[the Teuton]

You need better pictures.

I'll add some more.  Some fucker flagged me.

[Eye of the Tiger]

I'll add some more.  Some fucker flagged me.

I swear it actually wasn't me.