Real men are dying out

[SVT666]

VIAGRA, DROOPING DECKLIDS, MAN AS ENDANGERED SPECIES
By Jack Baruth

Forget what you saw during the Super Bowl; ?Man?s Last Stand? is far more likely to take place behind the wheel of a Mercedes-Benz CLS, Porsche Panamera, or new Audi A7. Men like these cars, and we?re only seeing the opening salvo of ?four-door coupes.? Just as the original Ford Explorer kicked off a supernova of SUV proliferation, the success of the original CLS virtually ensured that imitators would multiply like rabbits throughout the marketplace.

The industry?s original SUV fetish was based on a simple equation, namely ?pickup truck plus permanent cap equals big profit,? but after fifteen years or so, the market finally decided that enough was enough. Most of today?s ?SUVs? are unibody wagons, priced and equipped more or less in line with their sedan counterparts. There?s a little more profit in a Pilot than there is in a V6 Accord, but compared to the orgasmic festival of unjustified markup known as the Honda Passport, there ain?t much to cheer about. Same goes for the Highlander, the Traverse, and the new Explorer.

Four-door coupes, on the other hand?

The 2011 Mercedes E550 costs $56,850. The 2010 Mercedes CLS550 costs $72,400, and you can bet the new one won?t be a penny cheaper. The mechanicals are the same, the construction costs are the same, and the equipment is basically the same. Guess which one the people at Stuttgart would rather sell you? That?s right ? the car with as much as twenty Gs of additional profit baked right into the ticket.

Not a single one of these cars is based on a bespoke platform; from the lowly (and cheap) Passat CC to the Aston Martin Rapide, they are all what the insiders call ?top hats,? new bodies on existing models. In the case of the Rapide, it draws heavily on the DB9. As for the Passat CC, well, you know that one. Even the Panamera spawns from Porsche?s Cayenne, using the same engines and some of the same engineering as the much cheaper truck. Never mind the fact that the Cayenne itself is a higher-profit variant of the Touareg. You get the picture. There?s gold in those low rooflines.

Take Audi?s relatively affordable entry-level sedan as a recent example. The transformation goes something like this: A4 goes in? A5 Sportback comes out, packed with marketing and markup. Surely it can?t cost any more to make an A5 than it costs to make an A4. If it does cost any more, it?s a minor cost having to do with a complicated hatchback stamping or flared fenders. But Audi still charges $2,000 to $5,000 more than the equivalent A4 (the exact figure varies depending on the country of sale).

Who?s paying the price for these ?coupes?? My conversations with manufacturer reps indicate that the customers are overwhelmingly male, married, and successful. These are the guys who used to buy Corvettes in the Seventies, who chose BMW 3-Series coupes in the Eighties, and who lined up for the first group of body-on-frame SUVs in the Nineties. Now they?re lining up for sedans with lower roofs.
Notice anything in that progression, from Corvette to CLS? Exactly. The testosterone level is dropping with each successive change in fashion. The CLS63 AMG, in particular, bit deep into Porsche?s 911 customer base, no doubt making it easy for them to justify inflicting the Panamera on the world. Now the man who wants a ?me car? but is too timid, diffident, or henpecked to simply buy a real Porsche can run out and buy a sedan that will meet with his wife?s approval.

This seems to be an upper-middle-class phenomenon. Notice how the balls-out macho Camaro beat the Mommy-may-I Pontiac G8 in sales numbers despite the Camaro having literally no redeeming virtues compared to the big Poncho. And we don?t see Ford contemplating a low-roof Fusion variant to steal Mustang sales from itself. Honda isn?t running out to coo-pay the Acura TL into a four-door CL, possibly because doing so would make the TL?s beak look even more frightful. This game is for rich people, which means it?s mostly a German thing.

For those of us who own, drive, and love German cars, there?s a definite possibility that the four-door coupes will drive out the real coupes in future generations. I don?t want to replace my S5 coupe with an S5 Sportback. If I wanted a four-door hatch, I?d buy an old Saab. Nor do I want to see the 911 gradually give way to a mini-Panamera and a micro-Cayenne. As hopeless as the current 6-Series BMW is, I would be furious if Munich decided to forget about replacing it and simply expected the X6 and the 5-Series GT to cover the gap with their monstrous shadows.

What we need to do here is to pump up the ?man factor? for our suburban men and the German automakers who serve them. If the market won?t do it, the government will have to. Once President Obama appoints me the ?testosterone czar?, I will implement the following changes: All golf courses will be immediately torn down and replaced with circle tracks. Wearing Crocs will be punishable by death. If your kid is named ?Conor,? we?re legally renaming him ?Killer.? The CIA will resurrect Ike Turner and use him to replace Whoopi Goldberg on ?The View.? Last but not least, if you are found behind the wheel of a four-door coupe, some black-balaclava?d FBI ?Hostage Rescue Team? guy is going to kick your ass and the government will seize your vehicle. Don?t worry; it will be replaced by a Corvette Grand Sport six-speed.

Will my program help? It can?t do anything about the Germans themselves, but I don?t think we need to get them too fired up. The last time that happened, somebody had to invent the P-51 Mustang. Note: when a solution was needed to make the P-51 more bad-ass, they didn?t make it bigger or add extra doors; they put two of them together, called the resulting weapon the ?F-82 Twin Mustang.? That?s America, right there!

[sportyaccordy]

Interesting take.

I think the popularity of the 4 door coupe has more to do with its added practicality. For all intents & purposes, something like the CLS is a true 4 passenger car. The same definitely can't be said about a 6 series, 911, XK, or 90% of the supposed "2+2"s on the market. Hell even the S5's rear seat is useless. As rich as people may be, not too many people in the market for something like a 645 would wanna pony up another couple grand every year to get a true 4 passenger car. They'd have to compromise between spending close to an equal sum for an equally luxurious sedan, or get something proletariat for practical uses. I'm sure the client base of the "true luxury pseudo 2+2" is either overwhelmingly rich or overwhelmingly single.

On the lower end of the market, cars like the G37, Mustang, Genesis coupe etc seem to have more reasonable rear seat accommodations, and I am sure that is a big driver in their sales volume.

I find it hilarious that this guy is looking to define manhood by the car a man drives. Who gives a fuck? Yes it sucks that the manual transmission and personal coupe are going the way of the dodo, but the fact of the matter is for all the crying and yelling done by people like the author of that editorial, the market is just not there.

And in any case, I for one think the CLS is one of the best designs to come out of the late '00s. It was well executed and a real breath of fresh air.

[SVT666]

It's an entertaining article if nothing else.  Personally, a used CLS AMG is on my list of Top 4 cars to buy when replacing my SVT Focus.  Strictly because of the fact that I have two kids.  Otherwise it wouldn't be there and neither would the G8 GXP.

My next car will be one of the following:

- used 2010 or 2011 Mustang GT
- used 2009 Challenger SRT8
- used 2008 or 2009 CLS63 AMG
- used 2009 Pontiac G8 GXP

[BimmerM3]

Interesting take.

I think the popularity of the 4 door coupe has more to do with its added practicality. For all intents & purposes, something like the CLS is a true 4 passenger car. The same definitely can't be said about a 6 series, 911, XK, or 90% of the supposed "2+2"s on the market. Hell even the S5's rear seat is useless. As rich as people may be, not too many people in the market for something like a 645 would wanna pony up another couple grand every year to get a true 4 passenger car. They'd have to compromise between spending close to an equal sum for an equally luxurious sedan, or get something proletariat for practical uses. I'm sure the client base of the "true luxury pseudo 2+2" is either overwhelmingly rich or overwhelmingly single.

Huh? If you're looking for practicality, save $20,000 and get an E-klasse, which is probably even more practical.

I agree with the author in this respect - I hate 4 door coupes. They're pretty much all ugly (except for the recent BMW "8-series" concept, but that's less coupe-like than most anyway) and are more expensive and less practical than their true sedan counter parts.

[sportyaccordy]

Huh? If you're looking for practicality, save $20,000 and get an E-klasse, which is probably even more practical.

I agree with the author in this respect - I hate 4 door coupes. They're pretty much all ugly (except for the recent BMW "8-series" concept, but that's less coupe-like than most anyway) and are more expensive and less practical than their true sedan counter parts.

Well, that's a matter of opinion. I find the non AMG Benzes to be pretty plebian due to their frequency here, so something as striking as the CLS is a welcome change. Though from an objective POV I agree totally...

[Raza]

I don't see how having four doors lowers your testosterone level.  Four door coupes are a stylish alternative to normal sedans, even if they don't always look better. 

[Vinsanity]

that article made me

Barely anyone cried when the personal luxury coupe disappeared, because by the time that happened, that type of car was irrelevant and the market moved on. Sure, the CLS and CC don't make sense if you're strictly speaking objectively. But neither did the Eldorado and Thunderbird during the 1970's.

[sportyaccordy]

that article made me

Barely anyone cried when the personal luxury coupe disappeared, because by the time that happened, that type of car was irrelevant and the market moved on. Sure, the CLS and CC don't make sense if you're strictly speaking objectively. But neither did the Eldorado and Thunderbird during the 1970's.

Plus while these 4 door coupes carry a price premium, they are at least as practical as their regular counterparts. A 6 series coupe costs more than a 5, and has a much smaller back seat, smaller trunk, and not much better performance. It's a pretty funny article the more I think about it

[Raza]

Plus while these 4 door coupes carry a price premium, they are at least as practical as their regular counterparts. A 6 series coupe costs more than a 5, and has a much smaller back seat, smaller trunk, and not much better performance. It's a pretty funny article the more I think about it

It's stupid.  As if choosing a sedan makes you less of a man; it's an outmoded line of thinking that is not relevant.     

[Rupert]

It's stupid.  As if choosing a sedan makes you less of a man; it's an outmoded line of thinking that is not relevant.     

Says the man with a sedan.

[MX793]

Isn't the CC basically the same price as the Passat?  IIRC, they're within a couple of hundred dollars.

[Raza]

Says the man with a sedan.

I had a sports car too, at one point. 

I'm just saying there's nothing about having a car that can take your family from place to place that makes you less of a man.  The idea of this separation of "women do the family, men sleep around and drive two doors" is just stupid. 

[sportyaccordy]

I had a sports car too, at one point. 

But it was a Boxster (S if I recall)

[BimmerM3]

The idea of this separation of "women do the family, men sleep around and drive two doors" is just stupid.  

Interesting. That's something I'd  have imagined you saying.

[SVT32V]

I' The idea of this separation of "women do the family, men sleep around and drive two doors" is just stupid.  

You see, you just proved the man's point.

[Rupert]

I had a sports car too, at one point. 

I'm just saying there's nothing about having a car that can take your family from place to place that makes you less of a man.  The idea of this separation of "women do the family, men sleep around and drive two doors" is just stupid. 

Yes, obviously. But that's not the joke.

[Onslaught]

Crap, I thought I was being more of a man by replacing a Miata with a 4 door coupe. I need the big trunk for all the hair products I use now.

[SVT666]

Crap, I thought I was being more of a man by replacing a Miata with a 4 door coupe. I need the big trunk for all the hair products I use now.

I thought you needed the big trunk for your crutches and wheelchair.

[Onslaught]

I thought you needed the big trunk for your crutches and wheelchair.

No, I got those after I got the car so it was never a factor in the buying. And only crutches. And I threw them away because I hate them.

[SVT666]

No, I got those after I got the car so it was never a factor in the buying. And only crutches. And I threw them away because I hate them.

Only real men do that.

[Raza]

But it was a Boxster (S if I recall)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPhoazBcLYY

[AutobahnSHO]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPhoazBcLYY

hahahahahaha

"You get a Big 3.2liter Telephone"