Nürburgring sold to private buyer

[cawimmer430]

Nürburgring sold to private buyer

A new buyer has been revealed this morning in a shock press conference. Representing a "national interest", the buyer is apparently very close to a deal to not only own the circuit, the land and the facilities. But also the rights to the Nürburgring name and even the concept.

"The Nürburgring is great national institution," said a representative for the soon-to-be buyers. "It's a facility built by the people, for the people and that's how we want to keep it."
Initial plans are to operate the circuit in Germany while simultaneously building a replica in North Korea.

"The Western Capitalist pig-dogs are ruining a great track," confirmed Onda Wong-Line, spokesperson for the DPRNK Racing Inititiave. "Their evil capitalist ways will spell doom not only for a great symbol of Nationalistic Pride, but also for their entire economy. It is the duty of our Nation and our God Leader Kim Jong Un to save the circuit from the so-called democracy of Germany."

When the new NorthKoreaRing is completed, the original will be destroyed, confirmed Wong-Line, ranting: "Germany's soft-shelled so-called Democrats do not deserve such a powerful symbol of National Pride! If they are willing to sell it for only the price of a single dog-carrying satellite, or a few grams of enriched Uranium then it is our duty to remove it from their greedy grasp!"

"Communism could be the way forward for this track," confirmed one Professor of Politics from Pyong-Yang, who preferred not to be named as I just made him up. "The Nürburgring was initially concieved and constructed during the rise of a totalitarian dictatorship, and many feel that the pansy-wansy free market has not served the circuit well. A return to dictator-rule and a vast input of public funds will be just what the circuit needs."

After the North Korea Ring is completed, the original Nürburgring will be detonated by a "glorious intercontinental javelin of destruction from our god-leader" confirmed Wong-Line. "Stars wlll fall, the planet will tremble and the guard rail at T13 might just come loose."

The people of North Korea are reportedly very excited to be taking on such an amazing responsibility, with many of them crying tears of joy in the streets while beating themselvers over the heads with sticks. Though as yet it's unclear how many of the impoverished nation actually own a sportscar, or can indeed drive one.

"Racing will not be necessary," added Wong-Line. "As everybody already knows, not only did Kim Jong Un invent racing cars, he also won the VLN championship five times running. In a Lada. And he completed the 24hr race in first position, driving the car alone without pitstops and setting 200 new lap records at the same time. Even Sabine Schmitz hasn't done that yet. Has she?"

[Submariner]

By Erin McClam, Staff Writer, NBC News

It appears that North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un has more surprises in store than just purchasing the famed Nürburgring.

Only hours after purchasing the famed racetrack nestled deep in the heart of Germany, Kim Jong Un shocked the world once again by completing the notoriously difficult circuit in just 39 seconds, beating the street-legal car record by over six minutes.

"Dear Leader showed the west once again how mighty and divine the Peoples Republic is" - Lee Pak Kim, translator for the 28 year old North Korean leader.

"His courage, strength, majesty and wisdom are all envied by the west." He went on to say.

Even more shocking, the car he performed the amazing feet in wasn't a Ferrari or a Mercedes, but rather a 1979 Moskvitch 408.  Reporters were not allowed to see the car, but records show that it's powered by a 0.9 liter engine making roughly 40 horsepower.  How a Soviet-era car could have trounced modern high speed racers and even Formula One cars, remains a mystery.

"Those cars are absolute rubbish.  I would rather contract a sexually transmitted disease than drive one" said Jeremy Clarkson, one of the hosts of the BBC's wildly popular Top Gear.  "Between the awfulness of the car and the weight of dear leader, I'm shocked the suspension didn't collapse half way through the 'race'" He said with a scowl.

Other western critics, too, are uncertain of the results of the race.

"They don't even have cars - they have misshapen metallic objects with wheels that may or may not move, even if given a push" claimed Jay Leno, talk show host and legendary car enthusiast.  "If their automobiles represent their military forces, even George Bush wouldn't feel the need to skip duty and fight them.  My guess is, they timed the lap around the first corner, only to have a second car come around the other end of the ring and cross the finish line.  Shifty communist bastards."

When pressed about the ongoing conflict between North and South Korea, Kim Jong Un's top adviser, Sun Kim Lee had this to say:

"We will sweep over the evil American capitalists just like dear leader dominated the west on the Nürburgring.

The mysteries were only further compounded by a large explosion followed by screaming North Korean senior officials.  Details are scarce, but there are reports of locals finding flaming wreckage from a mid 70's soviet-era economy car strewn about the race track.  NBC will continue to report on this as soon as more details become available. 

Follow @NBCNewsUS

[Raza]

Autoblopnick?

[ChrisV]

Wow, not even a good chop.

[CALL_911]

Wow, not even a good chop.

That's what makes it funny.

[Soup DeVille]

Wow, not even a good chop.

Have you seen some of the other photos released as official news by North Korea? The one where they cloned half a dozen hovercraft onto a picture of their beach landing training shot? The distorted and cloned people at Jong-Il's funeral procession?