Jeremy Clarkson Tests the New BMW 335i

[cawimmer430]

Damn, he really hates BMW eh? 

Link: http://driving.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,12529-2522579,00.html


BMW 335i SE Coup?
Jeremy Clarkson
It?s damn clever, for a dog

Last summer, while you were on holiday, I was in the high desert of California tearing around a racetrack in a selection of powerful and exotic cars.

Each night I?d get to the bar in the hotel and relive some of the better moments from my day. The time when the Dodge Viper stuck a wheel on the gravel and made earthquake noises as I wrestled to regain control. The time when I executed a perfect power slide in a Corvette Z06. The time when I hit the ton in Ariel?s little Atom.

And then, the next morning, there?d be an all new selection of cars to drive, and that night an all new selection of he-man tittle-tattle. Then one day I arrived at the track to find, sitting in the early morning desert sunshine, a BMW Z4-M.

Oh dear. This was a bit like sending a food critic to the best restaurant in the world and presenting him with a Big Mac. It looked all wrong, parked among the Vipers and the Ferraris and the hyper-tuned Mustangs. It looked boring and grey. A Liberal Democrat in a sea of Monster Raving Loonies.

With a limp heart and not much enthusiasm I eased out onto the track and, with my mind in neutral, set off to slither about for the cameras.

The thing is, though, that after a short while it became screamingly obvious that despite the girl-next-door looks and the miserable 3.2 litres of homo-power, this car was head and shoulders above everything else I?d driven out there.

Where a Viper or a ?Vette shouts and waves its arms about, the little Beemer just gets on with the job of going fast and telegraphing messages to the seat of your pants and your fingertips, instantly and with no ambiguity at all. Out there in the desert, it was a sniper?s rifle in a field of howitzers and mortars.

We see this with a lot of BMWs. You may not like the people who drive them. You may not like the styling. You may not like the way they supported the Nazi war machine or what they did to Rover. You may have a million reasons why you would never buy such a thing ? I know I have ? but the simple truth remains: when it comes to the business of driving, they really are very good indeed.

Lots of cars, for instance, are fitted with antilock brakes, but the system fitted to a BMW is just better. It only cuts in when you are in real trouble, and not ? as is usually the case with modern cars ? far too prematurely.

And then there are the brakes themselves. We?ve often wondered on Top Gear why BMWs always set such fast lap times round our track. You look at the power. You look at the weight. And you can?t really see how it got round so quickly. The Stig always has the same answer. ?It?s the brakes,? he says. In Martian.

Because they?re so good, and because the ABS doesn?t stumble into the equation when it?s not wanted, you can hit the middle pedal later than you would in any other car. And when you are against the clock, that makes a huge difference.

I would have to say though that in recent years some of the handling fizz has gone. A modern 3-series, for instance, is nowhere near as electrifying as a 3-series from, say, 1984. But that said it?s also less dangerous. You get a small hint of understeer to let you know that maybe you?re going a bit too quickly, and then a little yellow light on the dash to say that underneath it all the traction control system is working its magic on the rear end. In an old Beemer you were still grinning from ear to ear, completely oblivious to any danger, when you hit the tree.

And then of course we get to BMW?s engines. The V10 in the M5. The straight six in the M3. And ? whisper it ? their big diesel. Each has a remarkable knack of blending the need for speed with the peculiar need western man has developed for saving the sky.

Yes, of course, the 1-series is a ghastly little car with very little interior space, a boot the size of a matchbox and bread-van styling, but to drive it?s lovely. And it?s the same story with the 7-series, and even the Z4 hard top, which beneath that wart of a rear end is a honey. In fact, the only car in the whole BMW range that completely fails to float my boat is the 3-series.

Stung by criticism of the more avant-garde styling seen on other models, BMW took a step back with this car and ended up with 14ft of automotive wallpaper. It?s just a bonnet, a cockpit and a boot. And the last one I drove was more dreary than shopping for bathroom cleaning products.

I really wasn?t holding out much hope, therefore, for its coup? sister, the 335i.

As usual BMW claims that it?s an all-new car and that every panel is different from the saloon?s. But it still looks dull. You?d only really want to get inside it if you were being chased by an armed gang from Shining Path.

And then, when you did get inside, you?d want to get right back out again. In other coup?s, from say, Alfa Romeo and Audi, you get all sorts of fancy bits and bobs, but not in the Beemer. Here you get exactly the same dash that you find in the saloon. It?s as dull and as featureless as the inside of a Cheeky Girl?s head.

At first glance, then, I could not ? and would not ? bring myself to buy this car. And certainly not for ?33,420, which is a damn sight more than you?re asked to pay for a Mazda RX-8.

Yes, the rear seats in the BMW are as big as a sofa, and yes, the days when BMW made you pay extra for windows are gone. But even so, ?33,420 for a car that doesn?t even look as good as a Hyundai? You?d have to be mad.

And there?s more to worry about, because although it says 335 on the back it doesn?t have a 3.5 litre engine. What you get instead is a 3 litre straight six, which is force-fed its diet of air by two small turbochargers.

On paper this sounds fine. Because they?re small, they don?t take an age to reach operating speed, which means there?s no turbo lag.

But because each one is feeding only three cylinders, you still have loads of power and loads of torque.

The worry is that BMW may have fallen into the same trap as Volkswagen, which tried a similar two-stage system on the Golf GT I reviewed recently. That didn?t work at all. It was horrid and jerky and pointless.

In the BMW, though, there are no problems at all. If you really, really concentrate you still cannot tell it?s turbocharged. Put your foot down and immediately there?s a meaty, almost diesel-esque shove in the back. But where a diesel would be out of puff after a moment or two, the Beemer just keeps on accelerating in a wall of subdued fury ? for about nine and a half weeks.

This engine is little short of a masterpiece. There?s so much low-down grunt that even the BMW traction control system ? a good one normally ? is regularly woken from its electronic slumber by the wave of torque.

And of course it?s all fitted to a perfectly balanced chassis with the usual array of excellent steering, fine brakes and a nicely chosen balance between comfort and handling.

As a driver?s car, then, this is yet another winner. But I still wouldn?t buy one.

You need to think of it as a painting by the world?s greatest artist. Yes, the brush strokes are magnificent. Yes, the texture is superb. Yes, the perspective is world class and the detailing is better than you?d get from Leonardo.

But what he?s actually painted in this case is big dog turd.


Vital statistics

Model  BMW 335i SE Coup?
Engine  2979cc, six cylinders
Power  306bhp @ 5800rpm
Torque  295 lb ft @ 1300rpm
Transmission  Six-speed manual
Fuel  29.7mpg (combined cycle)
CO2 228g/km
Acceleration 0-62mph: 5.5sec
Top speed 155mph
Price ?33,420
Rating Three stars (out of five)
Verdict Nice motor, shame about the car

[Andaluz]

Nah. He is a BMW fan. He just won't admit in public.

Besides, Clarkson had a 3.0 CSL Coup

[Lebowski]

Did he just misspell Bimmer?

That's inexcusable.

[TheIntrepid]

Wow... ... he is SO cocky it pisses me off. I can't stand to read his reviews anymore.

[SVT666]

A guy i work with just took delivery of his 335i on Saturday and I gotta tell you...it's gorgeous.

[MrEddy]

   Typical Clarkson review. Funny.

Of course, you can completely ignore it as a review but it's great entertainment.

[sportyaccordy]

Nah. He is a BMW fan. He just won't admit in public.

Besides, Clarkson had a 3.0 CSL Coup?.

THAT is a BMW worth screaming to the heavens for. The new 3 is cool, but it's representative of the continual migration of auto makers making cars that are impressive through their technical aspects, and not their "souls"....

[850CSi]

The other day I went to service my car and saw the 3er coupe for the first time...

It's one of the best looking cars ever built IMO. Drop-dead gorgeous.

[AKL]

Well i've seen actually a few around. IMO they're beautiful. The only thing that I may have some second thoughts over is the rearend.

[Raza]

The other day I went to service my car and saw the 3er coupe for the first time...

It's one of the best looking cars ever built IMO. Drop-dead gorgeous.

Are you sure you weren't looking at a sofa?  I once saw a sofa and thought to myself "Damn, that 3 series coupe looks great!  And comfortable."  Then I realized it was a sofa.

[sportyaccordy]

Are you sure you weren't looking at a sofa?  I once saw a sofa and thought to myself "Damn, that 3 series coupe looks great!  And comfortable."  Then I realized it was a sofa.

That happened with me and one of the commuter rail cars a few days ago. It took me about 3 stops to realize the 3-series coupe was neither suitable for rail or equipped to seat a hundred.

[Raza]

That happened with me and one of the commuter rail cars a few days ago. It took me about 3 stops to realize the 3-series coupe was neither suitable for rail or equipped to seat a hundred.

Ouch.  My story has a happy ending.  I sat down on the sofa and never had to look at an ugly BMW again.

[ro51092]

 

IMO, The E92 is one of the most gorgeous cars on the road.

[sportyaccordy]

IMO, The E92 is one of the most gorgeous cars on the road.

LOL I'm just hatin' for no reason. The E92 is decent I guess, for a modern automobile. But most cars are about 500# heavier and 78% uglier than their ancestors from 10 years ago. They're either completely ungainly or painfully derivative, or somewhere in the middle.

[the Teuton]

While this >>> <<< would probably be me if I got to drive the new 3, I just don't like all of the weight at the cost of technology.  If they'd make a version with just the sport suspension, leather seats, and the standard fair, then I'd probably be a much bigger fan.  At this point, though, I'm still in love with the E30.

I like Clarkson's work a lot, but I think he's a better television host/journalist than a magazine journalist.

[ro51092]

LOL I'm just hatin' for no reason. The E92 is decent I guess, for a modern automobile. But most cars are about 500# heavier and 78% uglier than their ancestors from 10 years ago. They're either completely ungainly or painfully derivative, or somewhere in the middle.

No, I wasn't doing the roll-eyes thing to you 

That review is garbage. Pure BASURA.

[Michael Estorol]

That review is garbage. Pure BASURA.

I'm puzzled.  He is raving about the car -- he absolutely loves the way it drives; are you saying he's wrong?

The thrust of his article is that the only thing stopping him from buying one is his own personal prejudice about the styling and image of BMW and the 3-series in particular.  He acknowledges that this is irrational, but it's the way it is, and I happen to agree with him (possibly for the first time ever).
Now, I know that the only thing more stupid than "Buying a Car Because of Its Image" is "Not Buying a Car Because of Its Image."  However...
Things may be different in the US, but Over Here - he's right. The 3-series is unspeakably naff.  The 335d touring is probably the best all-round car in the world.  But would I have one, given the money? Probably not.  As for the coupe: you might as well tattoo the word WANKER across your forehead.

And English people (not me, I hasten to add) do say 'Beemer', not 'Bimmer', by the way.

[850CSi]

As a driver?s car, then, this is yet another winner.

I like Clarkson because he's entertaining. When you sift through his maze of contradictions and personal bias, you can extract what you need to know. That sentence is all I need to know. If I had the money, I wouldn't think twice about where I'd put my $40K. You're basically getting an E46 M3 that's less than half a second slower to 60 but with more low-end torque - and I'm pretty sure it's a fraction of a second slower for the 1/4 mile.

[red_shift]

Besides making the mistake of spelling Bimmer 'Beemer' (hate those who do that), he says he liked the handling, the steering and the power delivery, but does not like the looks? That's it?  That's enough reason not to buy a car?

I myself think the E90 rear end is a bit too boring for a BMW, but the car is a blast to drive, even though it feels a bit heavy at times.

[SVT666]

Well, I just got back from a ride in my co-workers 335i and I gotta tell you, my neck muscles hurt.    I could not believe the thrust this car has at 2000 rpm.  It throws your head back.  Unbelievable car.  However, it is waaaayyy too quiet.  At 5000 rpm you could hear some engine growl, but nothing else.  It's too quiet....but that's my only complaint.......oh that, and the $68K CDN he paid for it.

I'll stick with modified Mustangs, but that's because they are more my style.

[SVT_Power]

Well, I just got back from a ride in my co-workers 335i and I gotta tell you, my neck muscles hurt.    I could not believe the thrust this car has at 2000 rpm.  It throws your head back.  Unbelievable car.  However, it is waaaayyy too quiet.  At 5000 rpm you could hear some engine growl, but nothing else.  It's too quiet....but that's my only complaint.......oh that, and the $68K CDN he paid for it.

I'll stick with modified Mustangs, but that's because they are more my style.

$68k?!

[SVT_Power]

Stick me in a Cayman/Boxster for that money

[Tave]

$68k?!

Canadian. That's about 58K American. Still, quite a bit.

[SVT666]

That includes tax, delivery, and all the other shit fees they nail you with.  Delivery was $2800.

[SVT_Power]

$2800 for delivery? wow

[red_shift]

58K is way too much.

I was at a local BMW dealership today morning and I saw a fully loaded 335i sedan stickered at 48K.

[Tave]

58K is way too much.

I was at a local BMW dealership today morning and I saw a fully loaded 335i sedan stickered at 48K.

That doesn't include tax, title, and delivery.

And he could be talking about the coupe, which is more expensive.

[SVT666]

That doesn't include tax, title, and delivery.

And he could be talking about the coupe, which is more expensive.

The 335i Coupe and Sedan are exactly the same price.

[Tave]

The 335i Coupe and Sedan are exactly the same price.

You're wrong. MSRP on the coupe is $40,600. MSRP on the sedan is $38,700. Invoice is also about 2 grand apart. Look it up.

[The Pirate]

According to the BMW Canada site, it's $49,900 for the sedan and $51,600 for the coupe verson of the 335.


Still, $68K is a lot more.