Do you look before flushing?

[r0tor]

You guys ever get the 'phantom turds'?  You know, the ones where you go through the process, and swear you dropped a big log in the bowl.  Then, when you turn around to admire your work, there's nothing there. 

maybe your getting turd burglered 

[Raza]

1.2 pounds today.

[Byteme]

Few things in life give as much satisfaction as taking an enormous dump.

Always check for size, foreign object content, color and design (Damn, almost a perfect letter "P"!).  Follow that up with post evacuation play by play commentary directed to the wife; usually preceeded with "I thought my insides were coming out".

[TBR]

Few things in life give as much satisfaction as taking an enormous dump.

Always check for size, foreign object content, color and design (Damn, almost a perfect letter "P"!).  Follow that up with post evacuation play by play commentary directed to the wife; usually preceeded with "I thought my insides were coming out".

I have heard of newly weds who refuse to go #2 when their spouse is in the house. Clearly you and your wife are past that point.

[Byteme]

I have heard of newly weds who refuse to go #2 when their spouse is in the house. Clearly you and your wife are past that point.

You know you are past that point when a couple carries on a conversation while one of them is sitting on the pot.  It does bother me sometimes though.  I don't like to be disturbed when I'm reading.   

[JYODER240]

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

[Cookie Monster]

LOL!

[The Pirate]

I love pooping at work.  I'm getting paid to do it! 

[FlatBlackCaddy]

I love pooping at work.  I'm getting paid to do it! 

I used to do that at a past job all the time(single person bathroom). What better way to fill up that last hour of work then to spend a good 20-30 taking a nice long dump and reading a magazine.

[Laconian]

I hate pooping at work. The toilet paper here shreds my sphincter.

[r0tor]

i have the work poop e-mail and have much respect for its principles

[r0tor]

I love pooping at work.  I'm getting paid to do it! 

exactly... while on the can one day I started thinking about how much money i've made while p00ping at work.  At $30/h thats 50 cents a minute.  Figure 10 minutes per poop 5 times a week.  Thats $25 a week.  Over a year its over $1k!!!

[GoCougs]

Oh, I love giving play-by-play.

As to privacy - I need to dedicate full resources to the task.

[Onslaught]

I've weighed myself before and after

So do I. But then again I take a dump about every 2 weeks so it can make a big difference when I do it.

[Laconian]

Does your diet consist solely of MREs or something?

[r0tor]

So do I. But then again I take a dump about every 2 weeks so it can make a big difference when I do it.

thats so not healthy.... gotta be daily

[Byteme]

exactly... while on the can one day I started thinking about how much money i've made while p00ping at work.  At $30/h thats 50 cents a minute.  Figure 10 minutes per poop 5 times a week.  Thats $25 a week.  Over a year its over $1k!!!

There's an old joke revolving around the British worker's poor productivity.

Seems that an American was touring a British Auto factory during lunch and he noticed a worker laying on the floor apparently in some agony.  when he asked about what was wrong and why wasn't anyone helping the guy he was told "Bill had to take a shit and he wasn't about to do so on his own lunch time so he was holding it until he was back on the clock".

[Cookie Monster]

So do I. But then again I take a dump about every 2 weeks so it can make a big difference when I do it.

I usually go every day or every other day but if I need to I can hold it in for 2-3 weeks.

[93JC]

Two weeks?!?!?

Jesus guys, that ain't healthy. Get an enema or something...

[JYODER240]

Anything more than 3days or so and it starts to get really unhealthy. If you're in really good shape and have a really good diet you should go after every meal.

[Submariner]

2-3 weeks?!?!

damn it must be like shooting a hedgehog out when you finally go.

[Cookie Monster]

Anything more than 3days or so and it starts to get really unhealthy. If you're in really good shape and have a really good diet you should go after every meal.

Every meal?!

[Cookie Monster]

Two weeks?!?!?

Jesus guys, that ain't healthy. Get an enema or something...

Hey it's only in emergencies... I feel horrible until I go though.

I don't think it's that bad if you go at least once every other day or so.

[Raza]

I used to go only twice a week.

[r0tor]

explains why you were full of shit alot... 

[Raza]

explains why you were full of shit alot... 

But that was way before CarSPIN.  That was back in high school. 



When I was a Republican!

[93JC]

I don't think it's that bad if you go at least once every other day or so.

Agreed, I average 4-5 times a week.

But two whole weeks without going? That's just crazy, man. I've done that a couple times, and dropped logs the size of my forearm.

[GoCougs]

Usually twice a day, thanks to a diet heavily in fruits and veggies.

I go a day without movement and I'm bound and bloated.

[S204STi]

You know you are past that point when a couple carries on a conversation while one of them is sitting on the pot.  It does bother me sometimes though.  I don't like to be disturbed when I'm reading.  

lmao, +1

[Laconian]

I went for five days without a dump in France. I was seriously considering to the doctor or hunting the local pharmacy for some French equivalent to Ex-Lax. I blame the change in diet, too much meat.