Do you look before flushing?

[Cookie Monster]

I went for five days without a dump in France. I was seriously considering to the doctor or hunting the local pharmacy for some French equivalent to Ex-Lax. I blame the change in diet, too much meat.

Every time I travel my system gets messed up.

I just came back from India and I haven't gone for 3 days.

[Laconian]

Wow, that's like the opposite of what I would expect. It's a miracle you're not racked with dysentery.

[Cookie Monster]

Wow, that's like the opposite of what I would expect. It's a miracle you're not racked with dysentery.

What's dysentery?

After a few days though I'll be back to normal. When I got to India I didn't go for 2 days but went every day after that.

[r0tor]

i was a bit disappointed with my performance earlier... hopefully i'll make up for it tomorrow

[Laconian]

Dysentery is a leading killer of families traveling the Oregon Trail, second only to "3) ford the river" which affects oxen as well as people.

[Raza]

At least he didn't injure himself falling out of the wagon.

[280Z Turbo]

You guys should go more often:

[The Pirate]

Every meal?!

I go like 2 to 3 times per day, dude.  Makes me healthy, it's concentrated evil leaving my body. 


There's a nice reference in there for you astute readers.

[Onslaught]

Man you guys are lucky. I can remember the days of craping 2-3 times a week. But then I hit 27 and got IBS and the constipation that comes with it. If I drink citrucel 2 times a day and lot's of water I can push one out once a week. If I'm very lucky. And even then it hurts! 

[r0tor]

i was a bit disappointed with my performance earlier... hopefully i'll make up for it tomorrow

i just had an outstanding encore performance

[280Z Turbo]

Here's an old story from the archives:

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.

I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:

1. Occupied.

2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

3. Poo on seat.

4. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

5. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trousers and
sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being
next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot. No turning back.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds
of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone
conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of
shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he'd had, blah blah blah. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame my shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand
against the side of the stall and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded
with a fart of colossal magnitude - a cross between the sound of someone
ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:

(1) The next-door conversation had ceased
(2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come and
(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell itself had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had
ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now,
all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up...
in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God...", followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public - and I seriously doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo.

And this, my friends, is why you should NEVER talk on your phone in the bathroom.

[Payman]

  I posted that one a few years ago and was looking for it. 

[280Z Turbo]

I searched under the terms "resonance frequency". That part stuck out in my head.

[Soup DeVille]

Dysentery is a leading killer of families traveling the Oregon Trail, second only to "3) ford the river" which affects oxen as well as people.

LOL

[Cookie Monster]

I should go sit on the pot all day and just wait till it comes.

Later.

[Raza]

You should take laxatives.

[Payman]

You should take laxatives.

A 4 pc box of KFC usually does it for me. Or spaghetti & meat sauce.

[saxonyron]

Damn, 3 pages on pooping in only 2 days.  That's what's so great about this place!   And yes, I will always cast an admiring glance or a horrified one at my presentation - depending on how things go.  

LMAO at the Office Pooping guide.  I haven't seen that one in years, but I nearly fell out of my chair reading it just now.     And you once a week poopers are getting all toxic.  You need to change the diet a little.  Try maybe a vegetable or some fruit.  Eating only meat and processed carbohydrates basically creates nature's own concrete mix.  I can't imagine dropping a deuce only once a week.  When the hell do you guys get a chance to read?? 

[Rupert]

Twice a day for sure. I just hope everything has held together...

[r0tor]

Here's an old story from the archives:

that was awesome 

[dazzleman]

I think it's hilarious that this thread is up to 3 pages. 

I voted yes, BTW.

[omicron]

Despite my usual avoidance of such vulgar topics as performing ablutions, I find this thread immensely rewarding.

[omicron]

And for the record, I certainly check before flushing, just in case a couch fell out or something equally surprising.

[Onslaught]

Well It's Saturday and so that means I got to take my 3 hour dump. 5 flushes and a few levels of Zelda on my DS and I'm done. I forgot to see if I lost any weight.

[dazzleman]

Well It's Saturday and so that means I got to take my 3 hour dump. 5 flushes and a few levels of Zelda on my DS and I'm done. I forgot to see if I lost any weight.

IBS sucks.  I wish you luck in dealing with it, man.

[Onslaught]

IBS sucks.  I wish you luck in dealing with it, man.

Thanks. I'm accustomed to this so it's not a problem. But I can't take trips anymore without getting sick. I can't go anyplace out of town without needing two days to get back to "normal" for me.
I wish it had been something really wrong with me so they could have just fixed it. But as it is they can't do much of anything.
Strange thing is IBS is normally what girls get. Must be the Miata that gave it to me.

[dazzleman]

Thanks. I'm accustomed to this so it's not a problem. But I can't take trips anymore without getting sick. I can't go anyplace out of town without needing two days to get back to "normal" for me.
I wish it had been something really wrong with me so they could have just fixed it. But as it is they can't do much of anything.
Strange thing is IBS is normally what girls get. Must be the Miata that gave it to me.

My former brother-in-law had IBS, so I never thought of it as a female disease (the way lupus is).  But maybe it was the Miata.....

Seriously though, hang in there.  Hopefully it gets better, man.  It always distresses me to hear when people's lives are limited by stuff like this.  There's so much we take for granted in this life.

[hotrodalex]

When I go camping I hold it in for however long I'm out. Not that hard really. But I'm usually on a once a day schedule. I come home and take a dump, then I'm done for the day.

[68_427]

When I go camping I hold it in for however long I'm out. Not that hard really. .

+1, I'm not going in my trailer because then I have to dump it.

[Soup DeVille]

I don't feel like I've been camping until I've crapped in the woods...